R.I.P. Terrie (January 31, 1967-May 30, 2011)

On May 30, 2011, my former life partner took her own life.  She was 44-years-old.  The tragic news shook my world.  I am still in shock and disbelief and can't seem to hold back the tears.  The following letter will be placed beside her as she is laid to rest by her two sisters, brother, and son.  The letter is followed by the last song Terrie dedicated to me in 1996, a few months after our relationship ended.

June 5, 2011

Terrie:

This letter is the most difficult letter I have ever had to write.  In fact, this is a letter I wish I didn’t feel compelled to write, but in view of the tragic circumstances, I cannot keep from doing so.  How I wish you had never left this world the way you have chosen to leave it.  How I wish you had never felt the need or desire to want to leave, wrongfully thinking that you were better off gone or that we were all better off without you.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  You were loved and it is my hope that you were aware of that love when you took your last breath.  I don’t understand why you did it and I’m not going to pretend to understand.  I have never understood why you made the decisions you made in life…why you ended our relationship…why you never wanted to try to revive our relationship…why you chose to share your life with people who never had your best interests at heart…why you never allowed anyone to help you…and why you decided to “check out” and the manner with which you did it.  Why?  WHY?  WHY?!?!  You left people who loved you very much namely your son.  I know you know this already, and perhaps, you believed you were doing everyone a huge favor.  Oh my dear old friend, you were so very wrong.  You have left a void in so many people…Seth, Margie, Chad, and Sarah.  To be honest, your death has affected me, too.  And how could it not?  Terrie, you were my universe, my first love, the love of my life, my angel who brought me in from the cold, my anchor during life’s storms, my rock, my strength, you were everything to me.  I loved you with every fiber of my being.  I loved you more than life itself.  There was NOTHING I wouldn’t do for you.  But you turned my world upside down on December 17, 1995.  The pain was horrendous.  I didn’t want to live.  My life had been torn apart.  I was broken.  I wanted to die, but I survived.  I moved on with my life and, in the process, I found someone else to love.  We have been together thirteen years now and I am happy.  I wish you had found the same happiness.  It is now apparent that you did not and I find that disheartening and I am sorry. 

I know you sought my friendship.  We attempted a friendship several times with no success.  When we spoke on the phone, the conversations usually ended with hurt feelings because of rehashing the past.  Terrie, my dear friend, I didn’t want that for either of us.  What was the point in it?  Our breakup was tumultuous enough, why add more hurt?  Our relationship was a chapter in my life I wanted to close. 

And now, you have left an indelible mark in my heart.  My heart hurts because of what you have done to yourself.  And I am left with visions of you ending your life in the violent way you chose to do it.  I know you felt you had your reasons.  You were ripped and bruised and you couldn’t think of better days.  Life was cruel to you.  I know the story.  You wanted the pain and the hurt to end.  Envisioning your lifeless body makes my heart heavy and it makes me want to scream loud enough for you to hear me.  Terrie, can you hear me?  Can you see me?  Can you see my tears?  Can you feel what I feel?  Where are you?  Are you watching everything unfold?  Is it what you wanted to see? 

Margie tells me you felt guilty about the hurt you caused me.  Terrie, the past is the past and it should have stayed there.  I forgave you long ago, but in case you don’t remember, I will do it again….I FORGIVE YOU.  IT’S OKAY.  I SURVIVED.  YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE HURT.  You now have the peace you wanted and we will eventually find ours.  In the meantime, we will think of you and cry for you.  We will remember everything about you.  For what it’s worth, our breakup taught me a great deal about life and how to deal with the ups and downs.  We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we deal with it.  Give yourself credit for being the first person to show me how it felt to be loved because I know you loved me.  But life happens and it throws us a curve ball.  TERRIE, I KNOW YOU LOVED ME.  We had an awesome relationship while we had it.  And I will never forget it…nor you.