I am feeling better since the last time I posted concerning Terrie's death. I must admit, the shocking news jilted me and left me feeling distraught. For the first week, she consumed my thoughts and I could not stop crying at the thought of her taking her own life in such a violent manner. But then, after a whole week, I began thinking of how badly our relationship ended. I was attending college in order for us to have a financially sound future. She claimed I stopped paying attention to her so she find it somewhere else. She found it in another woman. She kicked me out of our apartment a week before Xmas and moved in her new love interest. I was hurt. When she packed my belongings in the torn and weathered cardboard boxes, she said lots of hurtful things...things that have stayed with me all this time and will always stay with me. I didn't have anywhere to stay so her sister offered me a place to stay and I took it. For days, I wanted to die. I didn't want to get up in the mornings. I wanted to stay in bed, indoors, away from people. I cried myself to sleep every night wondering what I did wrong. Really....what I did wrong? What bullshit! She was the one who wandered...who was unfaithful. I remember coming down with the flu. She never called to see how I was feeling or if I needed any meds. I felt so alone. But I managed to drive to one of the local flower shops (it was Valentine's Day) and arrange for a dozen roses to be delivered to her workplace....with a fever. Later that same day, I asked her about the flowers. She allowed her new girlfriend to throw them in the trash! I was hurt! Time and time again, she filled my head with empty promises of us getting back together. She was playing and toying with my feelings. She kept me on a string! She didn't care what it cost me emotionally or mentally. I was a total wreck! She continued to lie to me...deceive me...hurt me. And I allowed it. I became the other woman. She knew I was still in love with her, but it didn't matter. Terrie was only interested in pleasing herself with no thought to how she made me feel every day and every night. And when I would call her on it, she was ugly to me. The words that spewed from her mouth were vicious. She had no heart. Incidentally, her relationship with the woman she left me for came to an abrupt end. Terrie was hurt and devastated. She was getting a taste of her own medicine. But I was more than willing to take her back, watching her cry over someone else. I gave her a place to stay. Months later, she left me for someone else...again...a man. She wanted to marry him for his money. She claimed she was tired of struggling financially. She hurt me....again. Eventually, her marriage came to an end, as I knew it would. It was a farce. She moved on to another love interest. She met someone on the Internet, after she promised me we had a future together. Another lie. She hurt me....again. I believed in her. I thought she could do no wrong. She played me for a fool. She would build me up just to let me down. She told me she loved me. I was living in confusion. The chances I gave her were many...more than she deserved. I was stupid for believing her. I was stupid, stupid, stupid! I had had enough. In October of 1997, I severed my times to her. I told myself I would never speak to her ever! And I stuck to my resolve. When she tried to speak to me before leaving for Kentucky, I refused her the opportunity. Frankly, I didn't care anymore. She was nothing more than a liar and a cheat. She didn't deserved for me to speak to her. She left. I carried on and met other people. I went out with my friends and had a great time. I began discovering who I was and began liking myself for a change. Terrie leaving the state was the best thing she ever did for me. Then I did something I never thought I'd be able to do--I fell in love again. When Terrie came around...again...trying to reach out to me, I took the opportunity to tell her that she was no longer a passing thought. She was floored and she cried about it. She wanted us to remain as friends, but I questioned, "What for?" She had treated me like shit for so long, why would I want to be her friend? And I wasn't. The last time she tried to contact me was in April 2010. I said no. She was my past and I wanted her to stay there. Now, she's gone. It seems she couldn't keep it together. Her sister tells me that Terrie indicated she loved me and always had. Really? She treated me like shit and had no regard for my feelings. What's love got to do with it? In the final analysis, Terrie knows what she did and didn't do, which was precisely why she told her sister karma bit her in the ass. In no way am I saying Terrie got what she deserved. I never wished ill will towards her. I'm just making sense of my anger and resentment towards the news of her passing. I feel as though she invaded my space...the space I share with my partner. I stopped shedding tears for her a long time ago and here I was, shedding tears for her...again. I felt manipulated. Wow Terrie, even in death! No more! What you did was stupid and senseless, especially because you have a 7-year-old son who needed you! How could you? I'll admit, the thought of you still lingers in my head, but time will take care of that image. You will eventually fade away like a flower. I guess you thought I would never move on...that I had nothing...that I was nothing....that I could never laugh again...that you destroyed my faith in love...that after all you did, I would never find my way...but I did. Much to my surprise, I didn't need you. I only needed myself. I guess you thought that you were strong, but you were weak. It takes more strength to cry, to admit defeat. I had truth on my side. You had deceit. I stood on my own and survived. We didn't. And you didn't either.
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