Candy...flowers...cards...gifts...every February, these things are exchanged between loved ones, all in the name of St. Valentine. I could go on and on sharing quotations of love or regaling everyone with how Valentine, while in prison, is believed to have fallen in love with a young girl--who may have been his jailor's daughter--who visited him during his confinement and how, before his death, he wrote her a letter, which he signed "From your Valentine," an expression that's still used today. But I'm not going to do that. Instead, I am going to share letters of love that were sent to me years ago by my special person...letters that completely moved me on many levels. The letter was penned for me as I was getting ready to leave town in order to give "my special someone" time to clear her head and sort things out for herself. I was taking to heart the old adage: "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, it's yours to keep. If it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with." It was one of the most difficult things I had to do.
The first letter is dated May 8, 1998:
I think that this is officially the first real letter that I have written to you. First, I want to thank you for having brought so much happiness, warmth, sense, and pride into my life. Let me elaborate: Happiness...I haven't been so happy in such a long time and you made me feel like I wasn't a failure. You made me feel so secure...like I belonged. Warmth...It came when you made me feel like I wasn't an outcast...that no matter what I did, you would always be there for me. I believe that you would never turn your back on me for a second...that's so wonderful it makes me dizzy. Sense...It comes everyday, every minute, every second I'm with you. I go crazy when I'm not with you. You have your scent around here and it fills me with such an awesome feeling. My chest tightens up, my stomach does cartwheels, and my mind replays the sweetest, most intimate details of our time together. I think of what we've shared and it makes sense. Your friendship makes sense to me. Your presence in my life makes sense to me. The way you love me makes sense to me. Life makes sense to me. My sheer existence makes sense to me. Pride...You instill it in me when I think I don't possess it, when I can't imagine being able to take anymore in, and yet, there it is, you make it grow. I could move mountains. It makes me want to be the best in whatever I choose to do at the moment. Most importantly, it makes me want to be the best person that I can possibly be and, with you around, I am a fucking martyr! You make me, you make me! Yet, I can't give you what you want and it saddens me. You're not asking for much, but I can't reciprocate your feelings--not the way you deserve. I do love you though. It may not be the way you prefer, but I do care about you. I care immensely for you and I love you more than a friend would love another. I can't figure out what my problem is and why I can't give in to more than 90%, but one day, I swear to you that I will have a better and more logical explanation to give to you than "I don't know." If you decide to leave this town, I will miss you something awful. You need to know that with your departure, you take with you a big part of me, my life. You take with you that which you have given me--love, happiness, warmth, sense, and pride. Not all of it because you gave it to me first, and I will forever cherish it all, but how can I not be at a loss when the person who showered me with these special gifts is gone? It will be somewhat devastating for me. I don't know what I'll do, but it is for your benefit, and damn it, all I want you to finally be is happy. I realize that for everyday you stay here, it is one day that you don't get to spend on fulfilling your goals. I have thought long and hard about your leaving and have come to the acknowledgement that it would be too hard for you to stay. I would only be holding you back if you stayed because even if you did stay, I would always look to you for all of those mental attributes, as well as the physical comforts and that is all wrong. I won't use you like that. I care too much. You are such a beautiful person. You have such a way of handling yourself. You are a lady--all 100% woman. You have an intellect that I admire and am in awe of. You are such a great person and I am oh so fond of you. Believe that...KNOW THAT! I am so lucky to have crossed paths with you, to have somehow been able to entertain your friendship for as long as I have and for, Lord only knows how (but I thank HIM), having been fortunate enough to worm my way into your sweet, sensitive, and special heart. It is I who was truly blessed when we met on that warm October night in 1996! Can you ever know how I really feel about you? Will you ever know what you mean to me?!?! I am such an idiot for not taking all of you and running away with you. Be patient with me, but by all means, DO NOT put your life on hold. Godspeed, my Dear Friend, the best of luck to you and always B-E-L-I-E-V-E. When you feel sad and lonely, look up into the sky and know that you and I are both sharing the same stars, moon, and thoughts. I expect to hear only good things from you. You're way too smart to not pursue a college education. I BELIEVE in you. I will miss you more than I can describe. This will be hard for me, too, you know! You get to leave as I am left behind with all of the memories. You will do well wherever you go, whatever you do. I hope one day maybe you, too, can say that I instilled as many endearing emotions in you as you did in me. I will cherish our moments together from now on. I hope you can stand me. I will dote! Love You Always!
After I left town, I received the following letter dated May 28, 1998:
Just sitting around and I thought I'd get a bit of drawing done. Hope you like it. It's a copy of a magazine cover that I admired about 3 years ago. It's not an exact copy, only what I could recall from memory. Anway....! I miss you. Why aren't you here? I know-I know! It's been pretty boring here, probably due to the fact that you aren't here. This letter is getting lop-sided, isn't it? So what, that's the way my life seems to be going lately. I am so confused, please be patient w/me, please! What's new in your side of the state? Nothing new here. I am just feeling nauseous from the doctor's visit! How I wish you were here! How I wish there was some magic pill I could take to help me make a quick yet rational decision. I hate knowing that I am hurting you and prolonging the inevitable. It is you who I want, you who I desire, you who I ache for, you who I adore, you who I love...In my dreams and in my time of realization...It is YOU!!! You do complete me. You are me. I cannot breathe when I'm not with you. I am utterly, completely, and infinitely in love with you! I'll send you a longer letter as soon as possible. I miss you something awful! Take care of #1 for #1! Love always!
Next (and last) letter is dated June 10, 1998:
All that I know is that I miss you terribly. My head is not in its right frame when you're not around. I guess I shouldn't depend so much on you to bring this serenity into my life because it really should be a feeling that I should be able to bring upon myself. But why is it that I find myself unable to accomplish this task on my own? Do you really want to get yourself mixed up with someone like me? I miss you. I am not whole without you. I try searching for myself, you know, the person who used to be able to cope with being by herself, but she is long gone. She has gone into an abyss that is so deep and so difficult to understand that mere mortals dare not try to venture into. You are my Angel (my special gift), and I find myself following you, no matter where you go. I have followed so fast and without fear that it is this abyss that we are both in. I am neither scared nor confused. It is you who I want to be with. I don't want to pursue a life without you in it--as my friend/lover. You have made me see that our love is so strong, so rare, so precious that it has, in turn, made us immortal. We will cease to exist as owners of human bodies, but our love will burn on--forever...infinitely. It is our love that others envy because they don't understand. But we understand it. We've been given such a precious gift, a gift of looking into a future where love never dies, passion never ends, and respect and honor never falter. That is a special gift and I am grateful for it. I never want to find myself trying to plan things with my spare time if it means that you won't be by my side. I want your presence in my life to be constant. I want to be the most selfish S.O.B. when it comes to sharing your time. I want to be very prolific in making our love last, in making it grow, and in making you fall in love with me over and over, 1440 minutes/day. I want you to not be afraid of finding yourself in that abyss because you are there with me, because you in turn adore me just as much as I do you, because you believe in me--in us--just as much as I do. I want you to be courageous in venturing into that unknown because, although you made me brave enough to follow you into it first, it is I who would be honored, who will protect you to my death, if you allow me to lead the way for the rest of our mortal lives. I love you!
Then I returned.....
The following songs tell our story....
I LOVE YOU, TOO, BOO!!!!!
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