Those Pesky Church Hypocrites!

Yesterday, I prepared Dora's birthday dinner.  She had asked for a ribeye steak dinner and it was goooood!  Happy birthday Bunny!  

I am still elated about the history-making legislation passed by the New York State Senate!  It's made me euphoric.  True to form, the religious fanatics have come out from the landfills to speak their minds.  According to The Advocate, 

"Archbishop Timothy Dolan and the Catholic Church in New York were among the most vocal locals in opposition. Dolan, who had very publicly urged legislators to vote against the bill, said its passage will alter "radically and forever humanity's historic understanding of marriage" and released a statement saying:

"We strongly uphold the Catholic Church's clear teaching that we always treat our homosexual brothers and sisters with respect, dignity, and love. But we just as strongly affirm that marriage is the joining of one man and one woman in a lifelong, loving union that is open to children, ordered for the good of those children and the spouses themselves. This definition cannot change, though we realize that our beliefs about the nature of marriage will continue to be ridiculed, and that some will even now attempt to enact government sanctions against churches and religious organizations that preach these timeless truths."

What a pile of bullshit!  The Church has never treated homosexuals with respect, dignity, and love.  On the contrary, the Church has continuously ridiculed homosexuals and has considered homosexuals as an abomination; a group who most assuredly will rot in a fiery place of torment they call hell for all eternity.  Last time I checked, this attitude does not demonstrate respect, dignity, and love.

Contrary to what Dolan stated above, no one is talking about enacting government sanctions against churches and religious organizations that preach their beliefs about the nature of marriage.  You have your freedom of religion.  You have the freedom to choose the religion of your choice or the freedom not to believe in a god altogether.  It's that simple.  However, we also have a clause in the Constitution regarding the separation of church and state.  The LGBT community does not want to hurt anyone.  They simply want the right to marry who they choose as their life partner.  Besides, don't you think you have to free your Church of all the pedophiles your church hierarchy seems adamant to protect?!?!

Mike Macalusco, the head of a group calling itself Citizens for a Decent Community, labeled gay marriage "a total collapse of morality in New York State” and said the hard-fought amendments intending to protect religious institutions were “baloney.”

Get a life Mike!  If you examine other countries who have extended marriage rights to their LGBT community, you will find their countries to still be in order.  There's no anarchy.  But since you had to talk about morality, then let's go there.  I find the alarming divorce rate sad and atrocious...perhaps immoral.  After all, most of the reasons cited for divorce is "adultery."  Where's your morality now butthead?!?!

EQUALITY in the Greatest City in the World!

The state of New York passed same-sex marriage bill today!!!!!!  New York loves the gays!  New York, you have just endeared yourself to me even more!!!!!

Putting It Behind Me....

I am feeling better since the last time I posted concerning Terrie's death.  I must admit, the shocking news jilted me and left me feeling distraught.  For the first week, she consumed my thoughts and I could not stop crying at the thought of her taking her own life in such a violent manner.  But then, after a whole week, I began thinking of how badly our relationship ended.  I was attending college in order for us to have a financially sound future.  She claimed I stopped paying attention to her so she find it somewhere else.  She found it in another woman.  She kicked me out of our apartment a week before Xmas and moved in her new love interest.  I was hurt.  When she packed my belongings in the torn and weathered cardboard boxes, she said lots of hurtful things...things that have stayed with me all this time and will always stay with me.  I didn't have anywhere to stay so her sister offered me a place to stay and I took it.  For days, I wanted to die.  I didn't want to get up in the mornings.  I wanted to stay in bed, indoors, away from people.  I cried myself to sleep every night wondering what I did wrong.  Really....what I did wrong?  What bullshit!  She was the one who wandered...who was unfaithful.  I remember coming down with the flu.  She never called to see how I was feeling or if I needed any meds.  I felt so alone.  But I managed to drive to one of the local flower shops (it was Valentine's Day) and arrange for a dozen roses to be delivered to her workplace....with a fever.  Later that same day, I asked her about the flowers.  She allowed her new girlfriend to throw them in the trash!  I was hurt!  Time and time again, she filled my head with empty promises of us getting back together.  She was playing and toying with my feelings.  She kept me on a string!  She didn't care what it cost me emotionally or mentally.  I was a total wreck!  She continued to lie to me...deceive me...hurt me.  And I allowed it.  I became the other woman.  She knew I was still in love with her, but it didn't matter.  Terrie was only interested in pleasing herself with no thought to how she made me feel every day and every night.  And when I would call her on it, she was ugly to me.  The words that spewed from her mouth were vicious.  She had no heart.  Incidentally, her relationship with the woman she left me for came to an abrupt end.  Terrie was hurt and devastated.  She was getting a taste of her own medicine.  But I was more than willing to take her back, watching her cry over someone else.  I gave her a place to stay.  Months later, she left me for someone else...again...a man.  She wanted to marry him for his money.  She claimed she was tired of struggling financially.  She hurt me....again.  Eventually, her marriage came to an end, as I knew it would.  It was a farce.  She moved on to another love interest.  She met someone on the Internet, after she promised me we had a future together.  Another lie.  She hurt me....again.  I believed in her.  I thought she could do no wrong.  She played me for a fool.  She would build me up just to let me down.  She told me she loved me.  I was living in confusion.  The chances I gave her were many...more than she deserved.  I was stupid for believing her.  I was stupid, stupid, stupid!  I had had enough.  In October of 1997, I severed my times to her.  I told myself I would never speak to her ever!  And I stuck to my resolve.  When she tried to speak to me before leaving for Kentucky, I refused her the opportunity.  Frankly, I didn't care anymore.  She was nothing more than a liar and a cheat.  She didn't deserved for me to speak to her.  She left.  I carried on and met other people.  I went out with my friends and had a great time.  I began discovering who I was and began liking myself for a change.  Terrie leaving the state was the best thing she ever did for me.  Then I did something I never thought I'd be able to do--I fell in love again.  When Terrie came around...again...trying to reach out to me, I took the opportunity to tell her that she was no longer a passing thought.  She was floored and she cried about it.  She wanted us to remain as friends, but I questioned, "What for?"  She had treated me like shit for so long, why would I want to be her friend?  And I wasn't.  The last time she tried to contact me was in April 2010.  I said no.  She was my past and I wanted her to stay there.  Now, she's gone.  It seems she couldn't keep it together.  Her sister tells me that Terrie indicated she loved me and always had.  Really?  She treated me like shit and had no regard for my feelings.  What's love got to do with it?  In the final analysis, Terrie knows what she did and didn't do, which was precisely why she told her sister karma bit her in the ass.  In no way am I saying Terrie got what she deserved.  I never wished ill will towards her.  I'm just making sense of my anger and resentment towards the news of her passing.  I feel as though she invaded my space...the space I share with my partner.  I stopped shedding tears for her a long time ago and here I was, shedding tears for her...again.  I felt manipulated.  Wow Terrie, even in death!  No more!  What you did was stupid and senseless, especially because you have a 7-year-old son who needed you!  How could you?  I'll admit, the thought of you still lingers in my head, but time will take care of that image.  You will eventually fade away like a flower.  I guess you thought I would never move on...that I had nothing...that I was nothing....that I could never laugh again...that you destroyed my faith in love...that after all you did, I would never find my way...but I did.  Much to my surprise, I didn't need you.  I only needed myself.  I guess you thought that you were strong, but you were weak.  It takes more strength to cry, to admit defeat.  I had truth on my side.  You had deceit.  I stood on my own and survived.  We didn't.  And you didn't either.   

R.I.P. Terrie (January 31, 1967-May 30, 2011)

On May 30, 2011, my former life partner took her own life.  She was 44-years-old.  The tragic news shook my world.  I am still in shock and disbelief and can't seem to hold back the tears.  The following letter will be placed beside her as she is laid to rest by her two sisters, brother, and son.  The letter is followed by the last song Terrie dedicated to me in 1996, a few months after our relationship ended.

June 5, 2011

Terrie:

This letter is the most difficult letter I have ever had to write.  In fact, this is a letter I wish I didn’t feel compelled to write, but in view of the tragic circumstances, I cannot keep from doing so.  How I wish you had never left this world the way you have chosen to leave it.  How I wish you had never felt the need or desire to want to leave, wrongfully thinking that you were better off gone or that we were all better off without you.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  You were loved and it is my hope that you were aware of that love when you took your last breath.  I don’t understand why you did it and I’m not going to pretend to understand.  I have never understood why you made the decisions you made in life…why you ended our relationship…why you never wanted to try to revive our relationship…why you chose to share your life with people who never had your best interests at heart…why you never allowed anyone to help you…and why you decided to “check out” and the manner with which you did it.  Why?  WHY?  WHY?!?!  You left people who loved you very much namely your son.  I know you know this already, and perhaps, you believed you were doing everyone a huge favor.  Oh my dear old friend, you were so very wrong.  You have left a void in so many people…Seth, Margie, Chad, and Sarah.  To be honest, your death has affected me, too.  And how could it not?  Terrie, you were my universe, my first love, the love of my life, my angel who brought me in from the cold, my anchor during life’s storms, my rock, my strength, you were everything to me.  I loved you with every fiber of my being.  I loved you more than life itself.  There was NOTHING I wouldn’t do for you.  But you turned my world upside down on December 17, 1995.  The pain was horrendous.  I didn’t want to live.  My life had been torn apart.  I was broken.  I wanted to die, but I survived.  I moved on with my life and, in the process, I found someone else to love.  We have been together thirteen years now and I am happy.  I wish you had found the same happiness.  It is now apparent that you did not and I find that disheartening and I am sorry. 

I know you sought my friendship.  We attempted a friendship several times with no success.  When we spoke on the phone, the conversations usually ended with hurt feelings because of rehashing the past.  Terrie, my dear friend, I didn’t want that for either of us.  What was the point in it?  Our breakup was tumultuous enough, why add more hurt?  Our relationship was a chapter in my life I wanted to close. 

And now, you have left an indelible mark in my heart.  My heart hurts because of what you have done to yourself.  And I am left with visions of you ending your life in the violent way you chose to do it.  I know you felt you had your reasons.  You were ripped and bruised and you couldn’t think of better days.  Life was cruel to you.  I know the story.  You wanted the pain and the hurt to end.  Envisioning your lifeless body makes my heart heavy and it makes me want to scream loud enough for you to hear me.  Terrie, can you hear me?  Can you see me?  Can you see my tears?  Can you feel what I feel?  Where are you?  Are you watching everything unfold?  Is it what you wanted to see? 

Margie tells me you felt guilty about the hurt you caused me.  Terrie, the past is the past and it should have stayed there.  I forgave you long ago, but in case you don’t remember, I will do it again….I FORGIVE YOU.  IT’S OKAY.  I SURVIVED.  YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE HURT.  You now have the peace you wanted and we will eventually find ours.  In the meantime, we will think of you and cry for you.  We will remember everything about you.  For what it’s worth, our breakup taught me a great deal about life and how to deal with the ups and downs.  We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we deal with it.  Give yourself credit for being the first person to show me how it felt to be loved because I know you loved me.  But life happens and it throws us a curve ball.  TERRIE, I KNOW YOU LOVED ME.  We had an awesome relationship while we had it.  And I will never forget it…nor you.